Syn Space

Tonight is the last of the night. Tomorrow will be daylight after the night I kissed Shumi goodbye at the airport over a year ago.
I feel mentally exhausted. So many twists and turns in one life. It was strange saying bye to her on the phone, Knowing we will meet tommorrow. I have booked holiday time off work. It maybe several days until I blog again. To my friends and regular readers, Forgive my absence. Apart from rejoicing, many things need attention (There is turmoil yet in my life).
I hope to blog and share our life once things settle. Do not think that I ignore or forget you. Too much is invested here. Take care and wish me luck, (((HUGS)))

Never a dull moment in Syn Space. The amount of twists and turns to my life as blogged would be worthy of a movie.
There has been a new turn of events. An argument with one of my sisters has caused a fallout, to a degree where it is not feasable to remain at the family home. This has been an event unwanted as well as unwarranted, especially at such a vulnerable time for Shumi. I won't go into the reasons behind the argument as that would be too personal and dysfunctional in nature to explain.
Suffice to say that now me and Shumi will start our new life with a rolling start. I will be visiting our new home on (Sunday 06/04/08). I am still in quite a state of shock and in the midst of all this mess, have been fretting about finances, emotional turmoil and logistics and planning of collecting her from the airport and now moving house!
To add the cherry on the cake, Shumi does not even know! Her coming has been quite a strain on her and disclosing this before she embarks on a journey would be very difficult for her. I have had to deal with this without alarming her and that has proved extremely taxing for me.
Everything I have ever done for her has been out of love. When times were tough I had to remain strong, For her sake, So that a semblance of hope remained. A possibility rather than a certainty. When we meet on Thursday then it will be better to say to her, It (the situation) is resolved Shumi just needs to be informed at a time when she is not alone to bear it. We had planned to live initially in an Asian manner in family surroundings. Shumi has to be assured that the departing from the family is solely of reason amongst my family & me and has no direct bearing on her or her presence.
When your a child things can be unfair sometimes, When your a grown-up it's called "Life". Every wrong that does not destroy you, makes you stronger. The arguement was unfair, infact it was evil, But it's something that cannot be resolved. I cannot live with injustice. For our sake I am hoping that it's a path of our lives that was meant to be taken.
Shumi flies in on the 10th. Our life together starts that day. A leap of faith into the arms of fate.

The last blog in its haphazard explosion of news and emotions best described the fluid reaction to the news. Monumental, triumph that the event is.
Since then... One of the things apparant to me is a sense of calmness. Sure there has been initial logistics and finance tensions, But the calmness afterwards is different. I feel human... No longer mechanical as in switching feelings off or calculating situations. I can look at her photos without wishes now. At work I have been observed "daydreaming". Now I have freedom to switch jobs when I want. Also I no longer feel "investigated" as in anticipation of the embassy staff enquiring about me. One of the worst things about the recent past has been the appeals court hearing. Having some old relic scrutinise me as though I were substandard. It was the most horrid and humiliating experience I have ever had.
Shumi is very excited, determined and a bit sad. Essentially she is leaving her world behind her and coming to an alien land with unfavourable climate. Her cousins are beside themselves with despair as they are close-knit and she was responsible for the day to day organising of her house. But they know me and have seen me, I have promised that we will indeed have frequent annual holidays.
She will be arriving around the second week of April. Flights are being booked within the next few days. she is busy shopping and saying her Bye's to her large family.
Our master bedroom is almost complete bar painting the door and some de-cluttering. I will have to move my things soon and also prepare myself for some inevitable changes. Essentially my "Bachelor" lifestyle will have to make way to matrimonial life.
So many things to look forward to. Basic things like walking together, holding her hand, spending time with her. Those things will become a reality and to a subconscious level I feel like a child in anticipating these things.
Other aspects will be tentative immersion in family politics... So far I have spent much of my life away from my relations. Her arrival will include some level of contact with people who I otherwise have avoided. Some of them are "The salt of the Earth" others are no different to snakes. Think of Mob families but without the violence.
Her arrival means many things. Now I will be providing for more then myself (Though I have been sending her money through out the year), Now it will mean seeing the joy in her, whether its food, clothes or other such things. I am fortunate and all I have been through I would do again to banish loneliness in my previous life. Now life begins, again.

Tuesday 25th 2008, Shumi has been granted her Visa! An immense weight has been lifted off from soul. All the troubles, struggles, anxiety has come to end on this special day. My mission is over.
She called me at work. At first I almost dismissed the with-held number thinking it was a sales call! (I was at work). I rushed out in the corridor and heard her voice. She sounded remarkably stable and matter of fact. Then I had to return to my office. White as a sheet, feeling faint and dizzy. Co-workers were stunned. I spent the whole morning like that. I even doubted that she had called, thinking it was a mirage. I even double checked my phones call list. Only sunk in at lunch time when I returned her call.
Just a dizzy high and light headedness all day. She has already been to the embassy and had her passport stamped.
(Previously) This morning at around 5am, I had a dream that she had got her visa. I clearly remember feeling elated... Then I woke and realised it was only a dream! Sadness and disappointment crept in.
What I experience at work was such profound surprise and dis-belief. That all this time, now it is all over and we can live together as we were meant to be. That I had managed to last it out at my job till this distant day would come. It feels like when your wishes come true in a dream... only the physical aspect of feeling very faint is very real.
I'm getting used to the idea that we will be able to live and share together for the rest of our lives. No being apart, no distant wishing on birthdays etc. That holiday and that fairytale life together will now become real. My true love next to me. Being able to express everything in person.
Right now I feel a million tonnes lighter and still pinching myself. I dreaded doing a rough draft of this blog, without knowing and then maybe binning it. So all of this is live as I write it tonight. I kind of feel that it's too good to be true and that I am not worthy.
Now I can move ahead with my life. During our lunch time chat, Shumi said to me "Now you go home and sleep and not worry about anything again". That sums up what my life had been like.
Now the future is brighter and happiness is something I will have to get used to!
I don't know what else to say...
Thank You to everyone here, All my friends. Thank You for all the support you have given me. The prayers and wishes and the many kindnesses you have shown me, during the last year. I will never ever forget this period of my life. I needed your help and support and I have been blessed to have found it amongst you.
For the rest of my life I will never forget this (((HUGS)))

It has been six weeks now (two weeks longer then expected). The only news is that there is a back-log of visa applications to process. Shumi lies ill with a bad migrane, barely able to speak. I call every day. It was our anniversary on the 13th. At work our team has been down-sized and we have lost some hours and friends have been displaced. Head pains have got worse. I call every day and I wait.

Night time... Serene calmness. Walking into the deepest Prussian Blue, a heavenly canvass for one to delve deep into ones soul and the wider mysteries of the world.
A time of reflection. For me it the time to look at my cards. A poker game, "Syn vs Life". Daytime is when lifes deals it's cards. Night time is when I check mine.
Night is when I am in my element. In-between places, deep in thought. Breeze blowing and in my mind drifting between the present and the past. Looking away from familiar roads to places that I have not been to. Seeing ghosts from the past and putting them to rest. Reconciling old differences with the blessing of hindsight. Chiding myself over mistakes. Finding myself and the proper path ahead.
Night is when you commune with your soul and perhaps even God, without distraction. Darkness blanketing distractions, leaving you to focus. Silence as the world waits to see what cards life will play next.

The day I took that picture was as they say "One fine day". On our way back from a wonderful day out visiting some natural beauty spots across Bangladesh. Our hired car pulled up from a dusty road next to some extremely beautiful hilly tea plantations, towards the end of the day. For me the picture symbolises natural beauty.
Our love grows stronger each passing day. I am truly lucky to have such a person in my life. And to me Shumi means the world, a world that has more meaning. A lifetime and eternity of union, caring for each other.
I have prepared new documents for a new Visa application, that has been approved by a new solicitor. This will be submitted towards the end of the month. So there is again hope that we will be together. There is trepidation and fear also. I live, and we will be together, even if that means I have to spend my days on the other part of the world. I am however hoping that we will be allowed to live here and raise a family.
There is much hardship and sorrow in this world, But in that picture there is a vision... That nothing material means anything. If you are rich, Then you can shower your loved one with gifts and luxuries. If you are poor then your struggles and sacrifices are gifts that mean that much more. In this world nothing is more precious then mutual love. It never comes easy, But in time it does.

It usually starts on the right temple. It feels like something has been inflated and is pressing outwards. From the inside there is a slight pressing pain. On the outside it feels like the skin is tightening around the right temple. The more aware I become the more prominent the pains become.
One of the more facinating aspects is how the mind reacts. Even though I have experienced it a thousand times, there is an inner curiosity. Some how always double checking that its real, the sensations. Prodding, rubbing the temple. A slight anxiety as to whether it will suddenly escallate. Then the nerves come alive.
At first it feels like someone has injected ice cold water into the back of my neck. A cold sensation that seeps down the back of my neck, Then it fans out. As if the ice cold is penetrating all the nerves spread across and down my back. At first it slow, then very rapidly it pulses down to the back of my spine and somtimes will pulse back up again. It's like someone hosing your insides with a cold shower.
Then the pain the temple turns into a sharp hard pressing sensation. This will continue for 10-15 minutes then all that remains is the head pain, This can last between half an hour and four hours.
Then its gone until the next time.

A lot has happened since my last New Year's blog. The fight to get Shumi's visa, with it's fateful many twists and turns. A new political regime in Bangladesh, that has achieved much in getting rid of corruption. I've made many new friends and sadly had to let others go. So in a way it was as subtitled.
In 2008 I hope that me and Shumi will finally be together. Most of the paperwork has been finalised, subject to a review by a new solicitor for a new application.
I don't have any new years resolution, Only to be the best I can for Shumi. Our love and bond has only got stronger.
Healthwise I am doing ok. Not had any major fits in ages. Though recently have had some issues with my right leg, muscle spasms. Makes it more bearable just considering it as age related.
My blogs have become a single running theme of Shumi and the fight to get her here. Sometimes I wish I went back to the old ways and blog about anything and everything. Some probably tire of the subject. For me its my main focus, so that affects the real me. It also helps writing about it, Also it keeps others informed. There is a lot of hurt and fears and anger offline also. There is also going out with friends and enjoying myself on occassions. Regardless of the picture it forms of me, I choose not to blog about my happier moments. The reason I don't is because it feels wrong and disrespectful, That I celebrate even if momentarily. Shumi does have happier moments with her family and holidays. There is also a similarity with her in this. She laments how its not truely as happy as if we were together. I suppose it's a way, even if a sad way, of how love seeps through partition.
I do fight with the world, with myself. It's how I manage to stay on top of things. I work in sales. That means putting all of my concerns in the cupbourd with my coat, Whilst I fight for sales and compete with all my co-workers. Everything I do has to have some relevance with what I want and what will bring us together.
I hope and wish that everyone has a Happy New Year xxx.

I am a tired old and weary warrior. The battle is long over, I now march across many fields the fight now is to be with my maiden. Haunting memories of a brief life together, of promises spur me on like stars glimmering in the sacred night sky. Each gust of wind waking me to the reality before me. A long march across many thousands of miles. I have no strength left save for the endurance within me. Demons lay siege on the solitary. Blanketing hope with the fathomless depths of depression. I toil with labour where others fall by the wayside. My mission keeps me focussed. During the long days, I purge my mind of her, so that I stay true and do not drown in my own emotions. The night is when I let my guard down. A communion with God and myself, before the realms of sleep whisk me away to her dark bedroom. Warm embraces, whispered tongues of lovers. Then the sun comes to collect me. Another day awaits, the fight starts all over. Mentally I prepare myself. I have to keep up my strength. If I fall, then she will fall. While others celebrate, I hold vigil. When I am finally with her, our celebration will last a lifetime. I will lay down my arms and we will live like no other, till the next life beckons us.

Thousands dead, Missing, Orphaned, Injured, Homeless, Ill, Hungry.
One of the many cyclones that devastate Bangladesh. It's been heart breaking reading about it.
Shumi or her family have not been affected by it. They live more in-land, to the north. They are the lucky ones. Though I am thankful, I feel no less sad seeing others suffering.
I can't fathom how the senseless devastation and loss of life serves anything. Many, many lives ruined and lost. If poverty and a barren hard life was not enough for these people.
Many of the affected people are the ones living on the coasts. Fishing communities and farmers on low lands.
I have been moved to tears reading about their plight for the last week. Despite their suffering, There are tales of heroism. These are strong people that will eventually re-build their lives.
Despite our wealth, location or place in society, Every Asian can trace their roots back to a rural village. We are bonded by the love of our country and enshrined culture. I can only respect and admire the courage and hardship that the less fortunate in our society endure. There is no utopia, But there is a sense of family and unity. Some of us may live decadent lives of comfort, But all religions, all prophets of God came from austere simple hard lives. These are not lesser people, they are stronger people then you or I.
Bangladesh may not be the perfect country, It is a young country. In fact its about the same age as me (Independence was founded in 1973). I hope and pray that all the help reaches all the affected people and that some safegaurds are created out of this suffering.