Syn Space

Shumi has recovered and is back to her normal self now. It has been a huge, huge relief. I have never seen her so upset and my biggest fear was of her slipping into depression. The one saving grace of the whole episode (Miscarriage) has been that it happened during the Easter Holidays when I have been off work and there to help comfort her. It has brought us closer together and showed us our personal capacities to weather what life throws at us. Telling her about the startling statistics of miscarriages (1 in 4, 250,000 a year in the uk, 80% within 12 weeks) has stopped her from blaming herself. We will try again once she is ready. The ability to heal through love is extraordinary. If you direct your energies actions and focus, I believe any hardship can be endured. Never falter, always stand your ground. With Shumi I had to project confidence and strength. If I broke then she would have broken. The seldom occasion I did falter, I'd disappear outside and share a cig with my concience. Then I would come back and be her shoulder to cry on and her voice of hope. When you have a hand to hold onto, There is nothing on Gods Earth that can cause you fear.

I fought long and hard to get Shumi here. When victory came, Fate struck its dagger into my back. Within 24 hours of Shumi arriving I was made homeless.
That utter feeling of horror, desperation and gut wrenching damnation. No words would be enough to convey feelings I had. All that I owned suddenly did not belong to me. Comforts were now aliens to the host. The only thing I could think of what world had I bought Shumi into? At what point would I shatter her dreams or how would I greet her?
Then the story unfolded like some macarbe screen play. At some previous undetermined time whilst I was fighting for Shumi's visa, My mother had turned against her. A misguided mothers instinct that Shumi would some how tear me against and away from the family fold. Too late to change things, the family had decided that they would not allow Shumi's presence or stay in the family home.
The family never told me until the 11th hour. That was when Shumi revealed that she had known about this all along but had not told me as it would have caused me stress! I tried in vain to turn things around with my mother and it fell on deaf ears.
Picking Shumi up from the airport was a low key affair. None of the grandeur that I had wished for. A cousin provided transport. One of my sisters took us in. A week later the cousin who had given us a lift from the airport, His family took us in. Initially a spare room and then three months later we moved into the vacant basement flat.
The first few days were hard. A year apart had taken its toll on our immediate relations. The initial stress of being homeless had also had a massive effect on Shumi. But as time went on things got better for us.
Eventually I switched jobs for a what was a nice sales office in London Bridge. Unfortunately that was about the time the recession was starting to take a hold. Sales dried up at the outset. Since then I have settled for another company that is doing much better, This was in late November.
From the beginning up until Sept it has been tough. What you read here is a summary and it has taken me about a week to write this as it has been quite difficult to recount things. But far from doom and gloom we have had happier days, Days out and some romantic moments too. Our love for each other has grown much, much stronger now. A recent 2 nights out of town at my brothers place, without Shumi was very difficult for both of us. This year there is the chance that we might start for a family aswell!
The moral of the story is that life is very uncertain, But sometimes good does prevail over evil or adversity. In this life you have to constantly try. Set yourself a goal. When you finally find someone that you love, You end up as a provider and that is a very warm dare I say it, parental feeling. I feel whole, I feel wiser and stronger. Sometimes the challenges make sense and sober you to the realities of life.

Tonight is the last of the night. Tomorrow will be daylight after the night I kissed Shumi goodbye at the airport over a year ago.
I feel mentally exhausted. So many twists and turns in one life. It was strange saying bye to her on the phone, Knowing we will meet tommorrow. I have booked holiday time off work. It maybe several days until I blog again. To my friends and regular readers, Forgive my absence. Apart from rejoicing, many things need attention (There is turmoil yet in my life).
I hope to blog and share our life once things settle. Do not think that I ignore or forget you. Too much is invested here. Take care and wish me luck, (((HUGS)))

Never a dull moment in Syn Space. The amount of twists and turns to my life as blogged would be worthy of a movie.
There has been a new turn of events. An argument with one of my sisters has caused a fallout, to a degree where it is not feasable to remain at the family home. This has been an event unwanted as well as unwarranted, especially at such a vulnerable time for Shumi. I won't go into the reasons behind the argument as that would be too personal and dysfunctional in nature to explain.
Suffice to say that now me and Shumi will start our new life with a rolling start. I will be visiting our new home on (Sunday 06/04/08). I am still in quite a state of shock and in the midst of all this mess, have been fretting about finances, emotional turmoil and logistics and planning of collecting her from the airport and now moving house!
To add the cherry on the cake, Shumi does not even know! Her coming has been quite a strain on her and disclosing this before she embarks on a journey would be very difficult for her. I have had to deal with this without alarming her and that has proved extremely taxing for me.
Everything I have ever done for her has been out of love. When times were tough I had to remain strong, For her sake, So that a semblance of hope remained. A possibility rather than a certainty. When we meet on Thursday then it will be better to say to her, It (the situation) is resolved Shumi just needs to be informed at a time when she is not alone to bear it. We had planned to live initially in an Asian manner in family surroundings. Shumi has to be assured that the departing from the family is solely of reason amongst my family & me and has no direct bearing on her or her presence.
When your a child things can be unfair sometimes, When your a grown-up it's called "Life". Every wrong that does not destroy you, makes you stronger. The arguement was unfair, infact it was evil, But it's something that cannot be resolved. I cannot live with injustice. For our sake I am hoping that it's a path of our lives that was meant to be taken.
Shumi flies in on the 10th. Our life together starts that day. A leap of faith into the arms of fate.

The last blog in its haphazard explosion of news and emotions best described the fluid reaction to the news. Monumental, triumph that the event is.
Since then... One of the things apparant to me is a sense of calmness. Sure there has been initial logistics and finance tensions, But the calmness afterwards is different. I feel human... No longer mechanical as in switching feelings off or calculating situations. I can look at her photos without wishes now. At work I have been observed "daydreaming". Now I have freedom to switch jobs when I want. Also I no longer feel "investigated" as in anticipation of the embassy staff enquiring about me. One of the worst things about the recent past has been the appeals court hearing. Having some old relic scrutinise me as though I were substandard. It was the most horrid and humiliating experience I have ever had.
Shumi is very excited, determined and a bit sad. Essentially she is leaving her world behind her and coming to an alien land with unfavourable climate. Her cousins are beside themselves with despair as they are close-knit and she was responsible for the day to day organising of her house. But they know me and have seen me, I have promised that we will indeed have frequent annual holidays.
She will be arriving around the second week of April. Flights are being booked within the next few days. she is busy shopping and saying her Bye's to her large family.
Our master bedroom is almost complete bar painting the door and some de-cluttering. I will have to move my things soon and also prepare myself for some inevitable changes. Essentially my "Bachelor" lifestyle will have to make way to matrimonial life.
So many things to look forward to. Basic things like walking together, holding her hand, spending time with her. Those things will become a reality and to a subconscious level I feel like a child in anticipating these things.
Other aspects will be tentative immersion in family politics... So far I have spent much of my life away from my relations. Her arrival will include some level of contact with people who I otherwise have avoided. Some of them are "The salt of the Earth" others are no different to snakes. Think of Mob families but without the violence.
Her arrival means many things. Now I will be providing for more then myself (Though I have been sending her money through out the year), Now it will mean seeing the joy in her, whether its food, clothes or other such things. I am fortunate and all I have been through I would do again to banish loneliness in my previous life. Now life begins, again.

Tuesday 25th 2008, Shumi has been granted her Visa! An immense weight has been lifted off from soul. All the troubles, struggles, anxiety has come to end on this special day. My mission is over.
She called me at work. At first I almost dismissed the with-held number thinking it was a sales call! (I was at work). I rushed out in the corridor and heard her voice. She sounded remarkably stable and matter of fact. Then I had to return to my office. White as a sheet, feeling faint and dizzy. Co-workers were stunned. I spent the whole morning like that. I even doubted that she had called, thinking it was a mirage. I even double checked my phones call list. Only sunk in at lunch time when I returned her call.
Just a dizzy high and light headedness all day. She has already been to the embassy and had her passport stamped.
(Previously) This morning at around 5am, I had a dream that she had got her visa. I clearly remember feeling elated... Then I woke and realised it was only a dream! Sadness and disappointment crept in.
What I experience at work was such profound surprise and dis-belief. That all this time, now it is all over and we can live together as we were meant to be. That I had managed to last it out at my job till this distant day would come. It feels like when your wishes come true in a dream... only the physical aspect of feeling very faint is very real.
I'm getting used to the idea that we will be able to live and share together for the rest of our lives. No being apart, no distant wishing on birthdays etc. That holiday and that fairytale life together will now become real. My true love next to me. Being able to express everything in person.
Right now I feel a million tonnes lighter and still pinching myself. I dreaded doing a rough draft of this blog, without knowing and then maybe binning it. So all of this is live as I write it tonight. I kind of feel that it's too good to be true and that I am not worthy.
Now I can move ahead with my life. During our lunch time chat, Shumi said to me "Now you go home and sleep and not worry about anything again". That sums up what my life had been like.
Now the future is brighter and happiness is something I will have to get used to!
I don't know what else to say...
Thank You to everyone here, All my friends. Thank You for all the support you have given me. The prayers and wishes and the many kindnesses you have shown me, during the last year. I will never ever forget this period of my life. I needed your help and support and I have been blessed to have found it amongst you.
For the rest of my life I will never forget this (((HUGS)))

It has been six weeks now (two weeks longer then expected). The only news is that there is a back-log of visa applications to process. Shumi lies ill with a bad migrane, barely able to speak. I call every day. It was our anniversary on the 13th. At work our team has been down-sized and we have lost some hours and friends have been displaced. Head pains have got worse. I call every day and I wait.

Night time... Serene calmness. Walking into the deepest Prussian Blue, a heavenly canvass for one to delve deep into ones soul and the wider mysteries of the world.
A time of reflection. For me it the time to look at my cards. A poker game, "Syn vs Life". Daytime is when lifes deals it's cards. Night time is when I check mine.
Night is when I am in my element. In-between places, deep in thought. Breeze blowing and in my mind drifting between the present and the past. Looking away from familiar roads to places that I have not been to. Seeing ghosts from the past and putting them to rest. Reconciling old differences with the blessing of hindsight. Chiding myself over mistakes. Finding myself and the proper path ahead.
Night is when you commune with your soul and perhaps even God, without distraction. Darkness blanketing distractions, leaving you to focus. Silence as the world waits to see what cards life will play next.

The day I took that picture was as they say "One fine day". On our way back from a wonderful day out visiting some natural beauty spots across Bangladesh. Our hired car pulled up from a dusty road next to some extremely beautiful hilly tea plantations, towards the end of the day. For me the picture symbolises natural beauty.
Our love grows stronger each passing day. I am truly lucky to have such a person in my life. And to me Shumi means the world, a world that has more meaning. A lifetime and eternity of union, caring for each other.
I have prepared new documents for a new Visa application, that has been approved by a new solicitor. This will be submitted towards the end of the month. So there is again hope that we will be together. There is trepidation and fear also. I live, and we will be together, even if that means I have to spend my days on the other part of the world. I am however hoping that we will be allowed to live here and raise a family.
There is much hardship and sorrow in this world, But in that picture there is a vision... That nothing material means anything. If you are rich, Then you can shower your loved one with gifts and luxuries. If you are poor then your struggles and sacrifices are gifts that mean that much more. In this world nothing is more precious then mutual love. It never comes easy, But in time it does.

It usually starts on the right temple. It feels like something has been inflated and is pressing outwards. From the inside there is a slight pressing pain. On the outside it feels like the skin is tightening around the right temple. The more aware I become the more prominent the pains become.
One of the more facinating aspects is how the mind reacts. Even though I have experienced it a thousand times, there is an inner curiosity. Some how always double checking that its real, the sensations. Prodding, rubbing the temple. A slight anxiety as to whether it will suddenly escallate. Then the nerves come alive.
At first it feels like someone has injected ice cold water into the back of my neck. A cold sensation that seeps down the back of my neck, Then it fans out. As if the ice cold is penetrating all the nerves spread across and down my back. At first it slow, then very rapidly it pulses down to the back of my spine and somtimes will pulse back up again. It's like someone hosing your insides with a cold shower.
Then the pain the temple turns into a sharp hard pressing sensation. This will continue for 10-15 minutes then all that remains is the head pain, This can last between half an hour and four hours.
Then its gone until the next time.

A lot has happened since my last New Year's blog. The fight to get Shumi's visa, with it's fateful many twists and turns. A new political regime in Bangladesh, that has achieved much in getting rid of corruption. I've made many new friends and sadly had to let others go. So in a way it was as subtitled.
In 2008 I hope that me and Shumi will finally be together. Most of the paperwork has been finalised, subject to a review by a new solicitor for a new application.
I don't have any new years resolution, Only to be the best I can for Shumi. Our love and bond has only got stronger.
Healthwise I am doing ok. Not had any major fits in ages. Though recently have had some issues with my right leg, muscle spasms. Makes it more bearable just considering it as age related.
My blogs have become a single running theme of Shumi and the fight to get her here. Sometimes I wish I went back to the old ways and blog about anything and everything. Some probably tire of the subject. For me its my main focus, so that affects the real me. It also helps writing about it, Also it keeps others informed. There is a lot of hurt and fears and anger offline also. There is also going out with friends and enjoying myself on occassions. Regardless of the picture it forms of me, I choose not to blog about my happier moments. The reason I don't is because it feels wrong and disrespectful, That I celebrate even if momentarily. Shumi does have happier moments with her family and holidays. There is also a similarity with her in this. She laments how its not truely as happy as if we were together. I suppose it's a way, even if a sad way, of how love seeps through partition.
I do fight with the world, with myself. It's how I manage to stay on top of things. I work in sales. That means putting all of my concerns in the cupbourd with my coat, Whilst I fight for sales and compete with all my co-workers. Everything I do has to have some relevance with what I want and what will bring us together.
I hope and wish that everyone has a Happy New Year xxx.

I am a tired old and weary warrior. The battle is long over, I now march across many fields the fight now is to be with my maiden. Haunting memories of a brief life together, of promises spur me on like stars glimmering in the sacred night sky. Each gust of wind waking me to the reality before me. A long march across many thousands of miles. I have no strength left save for the endurance within me. Demons lay siege on the solitary. Blanketing hope with the fathomless depths of depression. I toil with labour where others fall by the wayside. My mission keeps me focussed. During the long days, I purge my mind of her, so that I stay true and do not drown in my own emotions. The night is when I let my guard down. A communion with God and myself, before the realms of sleep whisk me away to her dark bedroom. Warm embraces, whispered tongues of lovers. Then the sun comes to collect me. Another day awaits, the fight starts all over. Mentally I prepare myself. I have to keep up my strength. If I fall, then she will fall. While others celebrate, I hold vigil. When I am finally with her, our celebration will last a lifetime. I will lay down my arms and we will live like no other, till the next life beckons us.

Thousands dead, Missing, Orphaned, Injured, Homeless, Ill, Hungry.
One of the many cyclones that devastate Bangladesh. It's been heart breaking reading about it.
Shumi or her family have not been affected by it. They live more in-land, to the north. They are the lucky ones. Though I am thankful, I feel no less sad seeing others suffering.
I can't fathom how the senseless devastation and loss of life serves anything. Many, many lives ruined and lost. If poverty and a barren hard life was not enough for these people.
Many of the affected people are the ones living on the coasts. Fishing communities and farmers on low lands.
I have been moved to tears reading about their plight for the last week. Despite their suffering, There are tales of heroism. These are strong people that will eventually re-build their lives.
Despite our wealth, location or place in society, Every Asian can trace their roots back to a rural village. We are bonded by the love of our country and enshrined culture. I can only respect and admire the courage and hardship that the less fortunate in our society endure. There is no utopia, But there is a sense of family and unity. Some of us may live decadent lives of comfort, But all religions, all prophets of God came from austere simple hard lives. These are not lesser people, they are stronger people then you or I.
Bangladesh may not be the perfect country, It is a young country. In fact its about the same age as me (Independence was founded in 1973). I hope and pray that all the help reaches all the affected people and that some safegaurds are created out of this suffering.

She looks like someone who just stepped out of a Bollywood film set or an Asian advert of some kind. Dark eyes, an extremely cute button nose, pouty lips and rounded Indian features.
In contrast she does not think of herself as particularly pretty. The only thing that matters is that I find her beautiful. She does however spend a large time to grooming herself. Her dresser contents could pass for a department store display.
Before we got married, She ran a successful self employed Beauty Parlour. Specialising in wedding make-up.
Her personality differs from me in some ways. She is more organised and places importance on order and functionality. Aquarian temperament, Where as I am Cancerian.
She has a fiery temper and dislikes repeating herself. Also she is extremely quick witted and can be sharp when teasing. Unlike myself she is naturally extrovert to a degree and can be a perfect host. She is also more adept at Asian protocols and customs. Often I get a heads-up from her before engaging with unfamiliar elders and other relations.
By local standards she is also a very sharp dresser, always in touch with the latest fashions and accessories. In a touching way she is also modest at the same time with expenses. Though she absolutely loves shopping.
Her room is always tidy and quite often she would be tidying away my stuff which tends to rest in sometimes discarded ways.
She is terrified of heights and when travelling (in cars) a modest dip is enough for her to close her eyes and wince.
She tends to favour a lot of foods that I dislike and always amused herself getting me to eat something to test me.
She is deeply romantic, like myself. What surprises me sometimes is that even though she is from an Asian culture, her notions of what is pleasing in a romantic way is the same as someone brought up in the west.
Her Bengali language is far superior to mine and often I joke about her being my translator and me being a "Tourist" husband. When it comes to my language my western slant pleases her greatly. The words I use is quite different to how she would expect to hear. With me all my thought appear as English and are then translated into Bengali. In terms of expressing romantic thoughts she often is taken aback, which is cool! rather then being embarrassing.
She is very devoted and has a certain way of commanding my attention. Which is no labour at all. The only way to greet devotion is with devotion and recognition of that. The main thing is that we trust each other 100%. Remarkable considering the distance between us.
She is always asking if I have eaten and slept well. I always ask her of the same. It seems almost parental, but it is the foundation of care and love. When we went out to dinner parties I would always forget tradition and ask her to join me - In Asian society women do not always eat at the table, They busy themselves serving. Then will eat afterwards in a communal way - In formal dinner parties.
A small mix of details pertaining to Shumi and us.

Tuesday 16th, The Appeal. It failed basically. I took all my present proofs of employment etc. The Hearing was a small courtroom. Just the judge and a representative from the Home Office.
The judge right from the outset was only interested in information specific to the period of the first, failed application.
Though everything was conducted in sterile politeness, There was little doubt about where it was going - Upholding the original Visa Officers decision regarding my previous employer going bankrupt and my then ability to support Shumi.
The judge said she will reserve her judgement and write to me within 14 days. There is little doubt what that will be.
I am not dejected, sad or despairing. I had expected this outcome or acknowledging my present situation which would have been a certain success.
Shumi has been advised and indeed previously about the outcomes. We will wait till the judges letter closes this appeal. Then I will put in a fresh application after getting a review from a specialist beforehand.
Atleast by firing my solicitor this latest development did not cost me money. Though I wish I never went the appeal path and spent 3 months and money to reach this virdict.
Now I hope with a "Clean" start the next and hopefully final application will bring success. I estimate that with 4-5 week processing, we could have a new result by sometime in December.
I would like to Thank all of those well wishers that have commented support and those who have offered prayers. I only wish I had better news.
I/We will get over this setback. We will be together and I won't stop until that day happens.

In a further and final twist to this saga, I have now fired my solicitor. I shall now be representing myself at the Apeal Hearing on Tuesday.
If the challenges had not been enough, fate has decided to up the ante.
At the beginning of this month I was meant to have paid off the solicitor. I had advised him that I would be getting my commission on the first Friday of the month. This being a sizeable amount, I would pay him on the Saturday, As I could not get time off that week. He declined saying he was busy and suggested the following week (This week). We agreed on this, He even corrected me on the date. This being a token that he was aware of the Hearing on the 16th.
I left it at that, Planning to photocopy the remaining proofs on Wednesday (This week).
Wednesday night 10/10/07 at home after work I decided to check my emails. I was mortified to find an email from the solicitors firm - It said that despite previous attempts at contacting me, They had decided to no longer represent me!!! That they would contact the court to let them know!
Shock and wild anger is what took over me. I had an emergency mobile number for the solicitor's office and rang them up around 9pm that evening. One of the junior solicitors that had written the email picked up the phone. Seems that my agreement with the principle solicitor was not known to the others there. I was quite furious and the guy on the phone was onbviously lost for words and looking quite stupid. He cited a mis-understanding and that aparantly the paperwork needed to have been filed 7 days before the hearing! I ofcourse asked why was I not told this!!! Mumbled excuses... then a geeky tone as if to suggest that I should be aware the seven day issue. The half wit junior solicitor had obviously not realised that if the general populace knew about legal workings then why would anyone trouble him or give him a purpose to his useless life.
The junior solicitor then practicaly ordered me to come in the next day and hand over the outstanding paperwork and money. Angrily I agreed and had to take the day off work.
Thursday 11/10/07 I arrive at the solicitors office. Principle solicitor makes a very light apology and then begins to entertain me with legal strategies. I hand over the paperwork - In the back of my mind I don't like or trust hime now. I am decided to fire him after the hearing. Then when it came to payment I pull out my cheque book... Then the solicitor starts saying that he needs the money in cash. Making up some nonesense about paying for the Barrister in advance. Then I say to him that I will have to go to the bank as it is a sizeable amount of money. We leave it at that and I leave the office, saying I will be back later.
I was making attempts at getting the money when I started to pour over what had happened... The misunderstanding that almost lead to them dropping my case, No real apology for that, Paying for barrister BEFORE the hearing rather then being invoiced after, my cheque not being good enough for him! A Solicitor that only takes cash...
After consulting family and friends, I concluded that there was too many suspect issues with the solicitor and also a matter of insult too. So later that day I called him back and basically fired him over the phone. Rather then me being heated, the solicitor became heated. Insulting me that I could not afford him and had buckled under the cost! Clearly forgetting that I HAD paid him a greater amount over the last 6 or so months since engaging him. Ofcourse he would not hear of my suspicions or reasons. True to his creed, after insulting me over the phone, he was still prepared to pile legal case issue pressure on me to allow him to continue representing me! I told him that his un-gentlemanly conduct on the phone had only re-inforced my decision to fire him.
So now I face the daunting and unknown prospect of representing myself at the hearing. I have done jury service before, so that courtroom environment is not totally alien to me. After talking with friends, It is expected that the judge is likely to decide over the evidence rather then the solicitor/barrister's presence. I don't think that anyone more determined than myself could also be more driven by the proceedings. If there is any question about my credibility, Then I hope that not hiding behind the proceedings and actually being more active, would give me some merit or credit.
I have at length explained everything to Shumi. I never hold anything back from her.
So thats it. To the more frequent readers and friends, There has been enough drama (to be more contemporary) s**t going on in my life for me to consider taking this whole blog site to a screen writer for a possible movie adaptation!